Nancy’s Turnaround (revisited)

Learning to Bounce Back

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Tony nudged his wife, Nancy, as the choir finished its anthem. It was time for Nancy to read. He couldn't understand why she was not walking up to the altar.

Finally, Nancy stood. But, before taking a step out of the pew, she sat down again beside him. Tony looked up and saw Helen at the lectern. She had remained at the front of the church after singing with the choir and promptly read the lesson. Tony didn't dare look at Nancy, for he could feel her consternation next to him.

He checked the Sunday bulletin again, and there it was in black and white. "Nancy Wallace, 10:30 service, lector."

With ease, Helen finished reading the second lesson in perfect diction and rhythm. Tony grabbed a quick glance at Nancy's crest-fallen face. Her jaw was clenched tightly together. Her eyes, which could dance with delight and detachment, had grown vacant, withdrawn and cold beneath her newly permed hair. Her face had become ashen, highlighting her pink blush lipstick.

It was as if she were dying in her new chartreuse outfit. Tony reached for her hand, but she withdrew it as though she had touched a hot stove.

Tony wanted to hug her, to comfort her, but it was not appropriate, for they were sitting in the front pew. So, he sat there, knowing he was in the company of another fragile human being who was withdrawing to the point where she didn't want his understanding touch.

In his mind, Tony kept searching for an explanation of what had happened as the minister gave his sermon. Nancy, also not listening, stared blankly at her feet.

They had left home early for the 10:30 service because Nancy, when she was scheduled as a lector, always liked to make sure the lessons she was about to read were indeed on the lectern. At 10:00, Tony turned on the car radio so they could listen to the first part of the taped broadcast of the 8:15 service.

"Be sure to pay close attention to our first lesson in Deuteronomy," Pastor Higgens said in his opening remarks of the rebroadcast. "Today's sermon is based on that reading."

"Deuteronomy?" Nancy repeated in disbelief. "Did I get the wrong lesson?" She quickly looked it up. "No, they must have changed lessons!"

"That's OK," Tony assured her. "When we get there, just read through the stuff a couple of times to yourself. You've got time."

"I'll just read it," she murmured. "I won't be able to look up at the congregation."

"That's right," Tony added, knowing as he said it that he was giving too much advice. "Just read it slowly."

But Tony knew that's not how she wanted things to go. In her mind, she was not prepared. Since she had total loss of hearing in her left ear, she was in the habit of reading and rereading the lessons aloud at home for perhaps a dozen times during the week before her scheduled reading. She would work hard to get the right pronunciation, pace and emphasis.

Sometimes, they both struggled with words such as "thwart" and "Zion." Tony would try to pronounce them how he thought they should sound, but they would invariably come out of his mouth warped and wooden due to his speech impediment. Nancy would repeat how she was hearing them, and after several attempts, the couple usually came to an "approximation" of what most people would recognize as normal speech.

By Friday, Nancy would usually tell Tony, "I've got it down."

And, by that time, they would have had extended discussions about what the passage meant and how it complemented the verses before and after it. Only a few weeks before, Pastor Higgens had commented about the feeling Nancy put into her readings. It was as though she really felt its power and meaning, he said.

Tony was so proud of her. Reading in front of a group was something he still personally feared due to his speech difficulties. She was doing something so well that Tony could not do.

And, just 10 years before, it was not possible for Nancy to do it, either. She would giggle inappropriately in what seemed like an uncontrollable escape from the tension of taking center stage before a group of even a few people.

After Tony and Nancy married, they both took a Dale Carnegie course about effective human relations and public speaking, and that experience broke Nancy's giggling habit.

As the couple entered the sanctuary, Tony was hoping this mix-up in scriptural readings would not shatter Nancy's growth in self-confidence. She retrieved a copy of the readings from the lectern before the service and came down the aisle to join him in the pew. Quickly she read through the passages. She understood them. They were not difficult.

"How do you pronounce this word?" she quickly asked.

"A-ra-mean," Tony repeated slowly to himself. He wasn't sure. He checked the pew Bible. No pronunciation help.

He whispered in her "good" ear, "It's either Ar-a-mean or Ara-me-an."

With four vowels in one word, his rendition of Aramean kept coming out as "Ara-mean-i-an" in Pam's ears. Finally, he suggested she go check the word with Pastor Higgens. There was still time, and she did.

"It's Ara-me-an," she said when she came back to the pew. Tony assured himself that Nancy was confident and as prepared as she could be.

Yet, during the service, Helen unexpectedly took Nancy’s place in reading the lessons.

"I want to go," Nancy promptly urged as soon as the service ended. Tony could see the anger and disappointment boil within her. They sneaked out the side entrance and made it to their car without talking to anyone.

"What happened?" Tony asked as soon as they were in the car, knowing she still did not want to be hugged.

"I know what happened," she replied tartly. "Pastor Higgens asked Helen to read for me because he thought I couldn't do it."

"Why?" Tony asked in disbelief. "Did you ask him to do that?"

"No, I just mentioned that the church office had switched lessons sometime during the week, and I didn't know about it. I just needed to know how to pronounce Aramean. It was an easy read. I could have done it. I should have had the option of reading it, since I knew I could do it. He didn't tell me he was going to ask Helen to read for me."

"You sure you didn't hear him ask you that?"

"Noooo! I know what I said and what he said! I just needed help with that one word," Nancy exploded. "I don't feel like reading anymore."

It was something Tony had hoped he would never hear Nancy say, but she said it repeatedly as she brewed about it on Monday and Tuesday. Tony resisted the temptation of saying, "You want to quit reading because you're afraid you'll get rejected again."

Instead, Tony let her diffuse her anger. Giving each other space was one of the rituals Tony always told others they practiced now and then. In some cases that was true -- just as they both sometimes actively sought each other's appraisal and approval to the point of childishness when one of them had successfully accomplished a difficult task.

“Setbacks cannot demolish you without your permission.”
― Hiral Nagda

By Wednesday, Tony noticed her anger was gone. On Thursday, she called the church office to reconfirm the next weekend's readings. By coincidence or divine intervention, she had signed up, two months before, to be lector at the next Saturday night service.

On Friday morning, Tony heard her practice her reading in the kitchen, as he came out of the shower.

And she did just fine at Saturday night's service. She was learning how to bounce back.

That example of resilience at work after the minor crisis of 1987 in the Wallace household reminds Tony to this day that an individual can grow into a whole person – the person that's meant to be – by standing up to (or learning how to work around) a particular vulnerability.

How well does it all turn out? It depends on how well that person has learned to respond to real or perceived threats to his or her well-being. Yes, Tony now realizes, setbacks can shape human lives for positive outcomes.

Tony's takeaway tip from Nancy’s resilience: Recognize setbacks as opportunities for personal growth.

Here’s to elderhood and vulnerability! 

Jim Hasse, ABC, GCDF retired, author of “Opening Up” newsletter
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